Broken & I can't fix

So I came home to an empty house, Cristina is gone. I'm sad but I'm happy for her, she's finally out of our shit hole.

I know man, that our family problem is insignificant as compared to those who are fighting for their lives but it is still pretty damn devastating.

Maybe things would be simpler if I don't exist? Both of them wouldn't have to tolerate this horrible relationship for our sake. They meant good, to pretend like we are a complete family, on first look and composition wise. But in actual truth we are so so broken. In fact I am so used to this brokenness, any form of love in this family is plain unacceptable to me.

My parents are suffering, they think that they are the only ones. But you know, actually we are too. It's really difficult being stuck in the middle. We know what each of them did/sacrificecd for us. Whenever they diss each other for being irresponsible, you'll stand up for the criticised and the critising party would think that you are siding the other one, when in actual fact you are merely stating the truth that he/she didn't see.

I tried to be as fair and neutral in tone as I could, but apparently mom still thinks that I'm helping dad. And dad is just super poor thing because he is always silently taking all these shit. I am really thankful for both of them, I really am. But I just don't show it I don't intend to and I don't know how. Cristina always ask me if I feel that it is unfair that mom treats Daniel like a gem and me much less than what he is. My answer is no, because she still secretly cares about me and I know it. She hates me but she still loves me. That is why I didn't take anything to heart whenever somebody else think that there is any unfairness in her treatment. I honestly didn't feel marginalised. I really am fine with it.

Now that she wants to break our ties. I don't really feel much too. It's not like our family has any strong knitted ties to begin with. I just wonder if standing up for my father and speaking the truth is that serious for us to come to this stage. I fight for both of them whenever whoever gets attack, but they always think that I helping the other. This is the saddest part. At this point of time I really can't see what I am typing. But I am still going to go on.

I do not understand why it is so hard to have peace at home. We just need to close one eye and everything would be okay. Why does she always have to nit-pick and blow up issues? I don't understand.

Growing up in such environment I really yearn for good family ties. But then again I was never equipped with such skills. Perhaps that's why I am still single. And perhaps that is a good thing because whoever loves me would never receive the kind of love they deserve. I am not capable of loving because no one ever showed me or taught me what love is. I only know how to fend for myself and love myself. This self-centredness is what I'm best at. And I absolutely abhor this.

There are just too many incidents that sadden me and I am now pretty unfeeling and falsely optimistic. Cordon bleu tastes like water.

I am not thinking, who can I tell this to? Would anybody understand??